Having just dropped Iggy at kindergarten and Juliet at school, here I find myself sitting on my bed with my computer staring at photos of the kids on our wall, feeling a sense of sadness. Why the hell am I sad? Am I sad that I suddenly have 6 hours to complete tasks I’ve been putting off for weeks? Am I sad because the house is clean and nobody is here to destroy it? Upset because there isn’t anyone in the house that I need to remind to piss every 2 hours? WHY. AM. I. SAD?
To combat this ridiculous emotion I have decided to make a list of things that I have done or we as parents will be able to do now the kids have gone back to school.
Firstly…eat something yummy. Chocolate, chips, carrot sticks and dip I don’t care; just something you find delicious. Go on, enjoy it without the added stress of a 3 year old eating half of it or a 12 year eye fucking your every mouthful like you’ve not fed them for 6 days. Seriously, have you ever experienced the stare of a kid who feels they have been hard done by in the food department? Like you split up a bag of microwave popcorn between the family for a movie and their bowl was 13 grams short, so when they finish theirs after 47 seconds your every mouthful is glared at like you’re biting the heads of kittens. Quick! Go! Eat something yummy.
Now, go sit on the toilet, see what happens. Take your time now, there is no risk of a sudden lounge room brawl that you need to extinguish. No 3 year old that’s just figured out door handles is coming in to watch the shit show today. You do you…in your own time. If you’re anything like me, don’t even close the door; it’s a great way to avoid that closed in feeling or ruin your partner’s day who you forgot was home too. Enjoy the freedom.
If your partner caught you with the toilet door open best of luck to you, but this is a no brainer, have sex. And not the “you hold the door closed while I race you to the finish line” kind, but the real, married, missionary, 2 minute sex you’ve been dreaming about. I don’t remember the last time I didn’t have to say “shhh you’ll wake the kids” or …“sorry, your turn next time I promise”.
Now that you’ve had something to eat, shat and pleasured your partner, it’s time to call that telecommunications company about that telephone/internet bill you’ve been meaning to complain about. It’s hard to be on hold for 55 minutes with young kids around, and especially hard to sound angry when you unexpectedly come off hold and don’t realise they’ve been listening to your Barbie impersonation for 3 minutes. I personally find hold music quite relaxing, it’s an excuse to do nothing for long periods of time. My wife comes in expecting me to be polishing the floor boards with my own blood and I can just give her that “oh damn I’m on hold” face, pointing to my phone next to me on speaker in it’s 13th reprise of what I assume is a Kenny G cover.
Isn’t it time to watch a movie that isn’t made by Disney or Pixar? Go on, you’ve earned it. Watch something that has the word “fuck” in it like 431 times of something…or something where the nice character dies at the end. You deserve a movie where the talking animals don’t end up holding hands and singing songs about friendship. Watch something with a quality dildo joke that you don’t have to fast forward because your 3 year old repeats everything she hears at kindy.
The best day I have had so far was cleaning the house to within an inch of its life. Sure that doesn’t sound fun but imagine how good you’re going to feel at the end when you finally have kitchen cupboards without questionably brown handprints on them that you’ve been staring at for 7 months. 4 days ago I found out our cupboards were white, not grease splattered yellow. On the same day I found out we have a mirror in our bedroom that I had assumed was an Aboriginal hand art piece.
What I sometimes like to do is try to write a blog. Oh…your website is down, actually it’s not there anymore. Spent an hour on the phone to numerous domain suppliers and hosting companies until it’s up and running again. Sorry about that…
Just…whatever you do, don’t sit at home and feel sad about your kids not being there. I have no idea why after I drop them off I’m always left with this emotion, look at how much shit I’m getting done and will get done! When the kids are at home sometimes they push me so far over the edge I zone out and wonder what it would have been like if I took the James Bond route…saving the world, no kids, and sleeping with endless beautiful women. Then I remember the look of disappointment on my wife’s face after sex and remember how embarrassing it would be to apologise to a different beautiful woman every night. Wouldn’t that just be the worst Bond storyline ever…007, licence to an overly sensitive penis. So off track, all I’m trying to say is don’t follow in my footsteps and spend 6 hours away from them typing articles about missing them. Make the most of these few hours because you know realistically when you pick them up this afternoon the 12 year old will give you superior attitude about her knowledge of everything and the 3 year old will have partied through nap time and impersonate a sea lion that’s being hit by a car in slow motion the entire way home.