I was visiting a local mental health facility recently, seeing if they had any vacancies, when I noticed that the entire east wing of the building was dedicated to parents who had taken their toddler shopping and never recovered. It’s a little known fact that attempting to shop with a toddler is equivalent to 11 years of intravenous drug abuse. I went to a local Westfield to interview some struggling parents and tried and attain some information on just how bad the situation is. Of the zero people I interviewed, 98% never recovered from a 30 minute walk through Kmart…startling made-up statistics. Read more »
Parenting is just like spending 24 hours a day, each and every day for 18 years working on a giant jigsaw puzzle, with an inability to see what the end result will be. The entire time just doing your best, but mainly crossing your fingers that the jigsaw you are making isn’t just a huge picture of flaccid male genitalia. Mainly because heaven forbid if your kid ends up being just a huge dick, you have to love it anyway. Even worse is if you can’t actually see it’s a giant soft cock and you start parading it around with a proud smile on your face while every single person in the world that doesn’t love it unconditionally can see exactly what it is.
My wife Kristina tells me that is enough dick jokes for one day…she is clearly wrong, but I’ll move on anyway. Read more »
So for the 17th time this week I was giving out lessons in masculinity to the neighbours for free. With windows and blinds wide open I cleaned the house in my Masterchef apron while singing along to the entire 1998 cast recording of The Boy From Oz…I play the part of Liza Minnelli most days. While packing away 1200 stuffed animals and cursing the names of every person that has ever gifted one to my children, I realised that my kids are taking advantage of my gentle nature and not respecting my faultless cleaning procedures that I attempt to lovingly enforce with my previously mentioned gentle nature. Read more »
It’s 1991, I am 7 years old and there is only one person in the world that I would rather be than myself…Zorro. Unfortunately that makes no sense for this post, so let’s for a moment pretend it was MacGyver. I do remember watching a lot of it as a kid, and as an adult I have watched the guys on MythBusters test out some of the show’s more ridiculous scenarios. Aside from a 30cm ruler being too short to measure your own penis, nothing could make you feel like more of a man than using a few objects around the house to resolve a life or death situation. Right? My dreams came true on Saturday night when I was put into a situation that required me to take on the persona of a younger, much better looking Richard Dean Anderson. Read more »
I’ve been struggling with a lack of fun in my life lately, so much so that I have decided to try and force-feed myself some. For the past 2 weeks, I have decided to periodically spend small increments of my night NOT sleeping in our king size bed. Our king size bed with a mattress that feels like it’s made from the wool of only the finest devout Catholic sheep, and sheets so soft it’s on par with cuddling 1000 naked lingerie models; Instead opting for the single bed occupied by our 2 year old Iggy. I can’t quite put my finger on what her mattress is made out of but my current guess would be a mixture of grass clippings and cut up empty coke bottles stuffed into an old, used single fitted sheet purchased at an estate sale. I remember when my idea of fun was filling a private jet with $2000 a night hookers and flying to Paris for a breakfast of scrambled eggs and cocaine…now this. What happened to me? Ok…I made some of that up. Read more »
For a change of scenery, today I’m going to be honest with you. I never wanted to be the parent that was happy to see the end of the school holidays…yet here I am. Sitting on the couch with a coffee, my computer and watching Friends, I must admit I am happy to see the end of the school holidays. I love my kids, I really do; but they are hard work. Like…trying to get your wife to entertain the idea of oral sex after 4 years of marriage hard work. I was romanticising the Christmas break so much this year as it was my first one as a stay at home dad, usually I was back at work straight after new years. The kids were mine to entertain for the entire 6 weeks and I was going to be their number 1 dad…or at least top 5. I have decided to make a list of the mistakes I have made these holidays, that way at the start of December THIS year I can read them and remind myself not to be a shit parent all over again Read more »
I don’t think my roommates like me very much. I’m not referring to the other adult in the house, she seems comfortable with our living arrangement and occasional pleasuring.
I refer to the other 2 housemates that reside in this dwelling; One, an under 11’s eye rolling and talking back state champion. The other a cute but moody dwarf whose current mission in life appears to be that of testing the breaking point of a human eardrum with a tin whistle.
If I were to write an ad in the local newspaper to fill their rooms, imagine how amazing the deal would sound and how many applications I would receive… Read more »
Around 2 weeks ago I turned 30, bringing me 3 years away from the male sexual peak if you want to believe askmen.com. This website also states that at this time I should learn to control premature ejaculation, which is fantastic news! If only it also gave me a time machine to go back and remove the embarrassment of the last 15 years. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the words “are you fucking kidding me”…I’d have a dollar, but you can’t forget hurt like that. I’m scared for my own safety that I haven’t already hit my sexual peak, I spend numerous hours a day feeling like a 15 year old who just discovered tits on SBS at 9.30pm…on a Tuesday…while his parents are in the other room watching repeats of The Bill…to be specific. I guess the person we all need to feel sorry for though is Kristina, who apparently having sadly passed her sexual peak at 28 is now a mere 3 years away from being a leg, while I take on the persona of an aggressively humping Chihuahua. Read more »
You love your kids, nobody is denying that, but if you’re anything like me you look forward to the rare night that you get to drop your kids at Grandma and Grandpa’s house and pretend (even for a few hours) that you are 18 again. I don’t mean drink a bottle of passion pop and text your ex-girlfriends photos of yourself in the only pair of brand name underwear you own that isn’t from the Kmart discount bin. I mean take your wife to the movies, go see some friends for some adult conversation without having to censor all of the good words, or go to dinner without having to rush home to relieve the babysitter of their shift before you even had a chance to finish that second glass of wine. That was a joke, I would never embarrass my family name and leave wine on a restaurant table.
Here I sit on Tuesday morning to write about our Saturday night without the kids, still at this point feeling the effects of forgetting that I am 19 days off my 30th Birthday and am no longer able to consume alcoholic beverages that aren’t watered down with my angina medication. Read more »
The most common question for any parent seems to be “are you guys planning to have any more kids?” The answer I give varies depending on what time of the day I am asked. If you were to ask me 5 minutes after Iggy wakes in the morning with her perfect little grin accompanying her request for “gegemite towst” for breakfast, you would receive a warm smile and a very heartfelt response about our future plans for more children. “The dream of one or two more little voices echoing through the halls is romanticised in our house often” I would say. Ask me the same question after I have gone through the soul destroying battle of putting Iggy to bed and you will likely struggle to hear my response over the sound of me severing my testicles with the nearest fist sized rock. What sane person would do this again voluntarily? Read more »